Raising a Problem You've Been Avoiding
Bring up something that has been sitting unresolved for weeks or months, without the delay becoming the story.
About the wording below: every example in this library is written to illustrate a pattern. They are illustrative examples, not transcripts, and not accounts of anyone's real conversation. Use them as a starting point and put them in your own words.
The situation
Something has been wrong for a while — a colleague's behaviour, a misunderstanding, a decision you disagreed with. You didn't raise it at the time, and now enough time has passed that bringing it up feels strange. The problem hasn't gone away; it's just become older and harder to introduce.
Why this conversation is difficult
Delay makes everything harder. The other person may have no idea anything is wrong, so your carefully held grievance arrives with no context. You also have to account for why you didn't say anything sooner, which is a question that can hijack the conversation entirely. And the longer it sits, the more the issue has grown in your head relative to how it will sound out loud.
Your goal
Get the issue onto the table at a workable size, acknowledging the delay briefly so it stops being the elephant in the conversation.
Recommended approach
- 1Say up front that you're raising something old. Trying to make it sound current is transparent and undermines you.
- 2Keep the delay to one sentence and don't apologise for it at length. A short acknowledgement is enough.
- 3Scale the issue to what it actually is. If it's a pattern you've been tolerating, say that rather than dressing up a single incident.
- 4Lead with why you're raising it now. There's usually an honest reason — it's affecting work, or it's affecting you.
- 5Keep the ask small and achievable for a first conversation. The goal is to get it on the table, not to resolve it in one go.
What you could say
Example wording
"I should have raised this months ago and didn't, which is on me — but it's still affecting how I work, so I'd rather say it now than leave it. When decisions about the roadmap get made in the Thursday call, I'm not in it, and I find out afterwards. I'd like to be in that conversation."
Softer version
"I've been sitting on something and I don't think that's helping either of us. It's a bit awkward because it's not new. Can I explain, and then you tell me if I've got it wrong?"
Direct version
"I should have said this at the time. I didn't, and that's my fault. But it's still happening and I need it to change."
Professional version
"I'd like to revisit something from a few months back. I didn't raise it at the time, which I regret. It's still having an impact, so I'd rather address it late than not at all."
What to avoid saying
Pretending it just happened.
If the other person knows it's been months, the pretence becomes the thing you're arguing about.
Apologising for the delay for five minutes.
Over-apologising makes the conversation about your guilt and gives the other person nothing to respond to.
"I've been fine with it, but…"
Saying you were fine invites the obvious question of why you're raising it at all.
Listing every instance since January.
A dossier makes the conversation feel like an ambush and shifts it to a dispute about the record.
If the other person reacts badly
They ask why you didn't say something sooner.
Answer honestly and briefly, then return to the issue. "I was worried about how it would land, and I got that wrong. Can I finish the point?"
They deny it happened.
Stick to what you observed rather than arguing about their intent. "That's not how I remember it. I'm not trying to win that argument — I'm telling you what it's been like."
They're upset that you sat on it.
Own your part without abandoning the issue. "You're right to be annoyed about that, and I'm not going to defend it. I still need to talk about the thing itself."
The framework behind this script
Difficult Conversations
Stone, Patton and Heen argue that these conversations are hard because they carry three at once: what happened, how it felt, and what it says about us. Separating those strands stops one from swallowing the others.
Read the framework in fullRelated Say It Better guides
More difficult conversations scripts
Want wording for your exact situation?
The library covers the common patterns. If your situation is more specific, the Response Generator will draft something for the details you give it.