Communication Frameworks
Established approaches to listening, asking, giving feedback and repairing conflict — explained so you can understand how they work and apply them in a real conversation, rather than just repeating the words.
Each page covers the same twelve things: what the framework is, where it comes from, what problem it addresses, when to use it and when not to, the steps, worked examples, example scripts, common mistakes, its limitations, and the published sources behind it.
A note on whose work this is
Say It Better did not develop any of the frameworks in this section. Active Listening belongs to Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. Nonviolent Communication belongs to Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication. SBI is a Center for Creative Leadership model. DEAR MAN comes from Marsha Linehan's dialectical behaviour therapy. These are other people's work, and we name the originator on every page. What we do here is document them accurately, show how they apply to ordinary conversations, and point you at the original sources.
How to use these pages
Start with the problem, not the framework
If you know what you are trying to do — ask for a change, give feedback, repair something — the When to use it section on each page will tell you whether the framework fits.
Read the limitations
Every page has a section on where the framework runs out. A framework used outside the situation it was built for usually makes things worse, not better.
Adapt, don't recite
The example scripts show the pattern. Repeating them word for word in your own conversation rarely works, and often sounds like someone else.
Follow the sources
Every page names where the framework came from and links to the published work. If a claim on this site matters to you, check it.
Listening and understanding
The skills that come before you say anything — and the ones most people skip.
Active Listening
Listening for what the situation means to the other person, rather than waiting for your turn to speak.
Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson, 1957
Read the frameworkReflective Listening
Saying back what you heard as a guess, so the other person can confirm it, correct it, or go further.
Carl R. Rogers; developed systematically by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick, 1951; 1991
Read the frameworkSpeaking and asking
How to ask for something, refuse something, or raise something without it landing as an attack.
Nonviolent Communication
Separating what you observed from the story you told about it, then asking for something specific.
Marshall B. Rosenberg, 1999
Read the frameworkAssertive Communication
Stating what you need and where your limit is, directly, without apology and without contempt.
Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons, 1970
Read the frameworkDEAR MAN
A structured way to ask for a change, or say no, without losing either the relationship or your self-respect.
Marsha M. Linehan, 1993
Read the frameworkFeedback and clarity
Talking about behaviour and getting a message across, in person and in writing.
The SBI Feedback Model
Situation, Behaviour, Impact — describing what happened instead of judging who someone is.
Center for Creative Leadership, 2000
Read the frameworkThe 7 Cs of Communication
A pre-send checklist for written messages: clear, concise, concrete, correct, coherent, complete, courteous.
Commonly credited to Scott M. Cutlip and Allen H. Center, 1952
Read the frameworkConflict and repair
What to do when it has already gone wrong, and how to put something back together afterwards.
Conflict Resolution Techniques
Separating people from problems, negotiating interests rather than positions, and choosing a conflict mode deliberately.
Roger Fisher and William Ury; Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann, 1974 and 1981
Read the frameworkApology Frameworks
What actually makes an apology land, and which parts of it carry the most weight.
Roy J. Lewicki, Beth Polin and Robert B. Lount Jr.; Aaron Lazare, 2004 and 2016
Read the frameworkFrameworks, guides and scripts
The frameworks explain the thinking. The guides take one subject in depth. The Script Library gives you wording for a specific situation. Most people need all three at different moments.
Framework pages are written and reviewed by the Say It Better editorial team. Where a page describes a named framework, that framework remains the work of its originator. See our editorial policy for how this content is researched and maintained.